Thu, 08 Jan 2026 16:56:00 -0800WeeblyThu, 08 Jan 2026 18:19:01 GMThttps://www.martinrawlings-fein.com/midrash-that-slays/shemot-burn-baby-burnShemot: Burn, Baby, Burn!


Characters:
📖 Narrator – The storyteller who’s here to spill the tea and keep the plot moving.
🌈 Moses (Moshe) – The Hebrew who went from a river rescue to royal realness, with a dash of imposter syndrome.
👑 Pharaoh – The extra ruler who loves gold, eyeliner, and making unreasonable demands.
👸 Miriam – Moses' older sister, an icon in her own right who definitely runs things.
👶 Aaron – Moses' brother, who ends up doing most of the talking (and has opinions about fashion).
🐍 God (or sometimes just “The Voice”) – Sassy, mysterious, and very into pyrotechnics.
🔥 Burning Bush – A literal drama queen who refuses to be extinguished.
👑 Pharaoh’s Daughter – The princess who finds baby Moses and decides, “Yeah, I’m keeping this one.”
🐊 Crocodiles – The sassy side characters of the Nile.
🐑 Sheep – Played by students who bah at inappropriate times.


Scene 1: The Nile’s Next Top Baby(Pharaoh’s Daughter is bathing by the Nile, surrounded by dramatic reeds and very judgmental crocodiles.)
Narrator: Welcome to Shemot, where we kick things off with some light infanticide, secret babies, and a lot of sibling drama.
(A basket floats by, with baby Moses giggling dramatically inside.)
Pharaoh’s Daughter: (gasping theatrically) *Oh my Ra! A baby? In a basket? How quirky! *
Crocodile 1: (side-eyeing the basket) Girl, are you sure about this?
Pharaoh’s Daughter: Absolutely. Look at those cheeks! I’m keeping him.
Crocodile 2: (muttering) That’s how it starts. Next thing you know, he’s leading a rebellion.
Miriam: (popping out from behind the reeds like she’s on a reality show) Hey, hey! You need a nursemaid? I know someone.
Pharaoh’s Daughter: I like your style. Consider it done.
(Miriam winks at the audience. The crocodiles roll their eyes.)


Scene 2: The Prince of Egypt’s Existential Crisis(Moses, now grown and rocking serious Egyptian glam, struts through the palace. He stops when he sees an Egyptian guard harassing a Hebrew slave.)
Narrator: Moses has it all: luxury, eyeliner, and an identity crisis. Unfortunately, no amount of gold jewelry can fix imposter syndrome.
Guard: Move faster, slave!
Moses: (gasping dramatically) *Oh no you did not! *
(Moses accidentally ends up knocking the guard out in a very over-the-top fashion.)
Moses: (nervously) Well… that escalated quickly.
Narrator: And just like that, Moses has to yeet out of Egypt before the TikTok scandal drops.
(Moses runs into the desert with perfectly flowing robes.)


Scene 3: Burning Bush Realness(Moses, now in the desert, is shepherding sheep and looking very over this whole exile thing when a bush bursts into flames.)
Narrator: Just when Moses thinks his life is boring, God decides it’s time for a drag performance—and no one can outshine a burning bush.
Burning Bush: Moses! Moses!
Moses: (spinning dramatically) AHH! Who’s there?
Burning Bush: It’s Me, honey. Take off your sandals—this is holy ground.
Moses: (eyeing the bush) Is it really, or do you just not like my shoes?
Burning Bush: Both. Now, go to Pharaoh and tell him to let My people go!
Moses: (panicking) Me?! I can’t! I have stage fright and a serious public speaking issue.
God: That’s why you have Aaron! He loves talking! Besides, I will be with you.
Moses: (nervous but dramatic) Fine, but can we talk about the whole burning bush aesthetic later?
Burning Bush: Honey, it’s called pyrotechnics. Look it up.


Scene 4: Confronting Pharaoh – The Family Reunion(Moses and Aaron, both rocking dramatic cloaks, stand before Pharaoh.)
Pharaoh: (sipping from a golden goblet) Moses? Is that you? I thought we banished you. Where have you been?
Moses: In the desert, working on my identity and self-worth. Thanks for asking!
Aaron: (whispering) Stay on script!
Moses: (clears throat, then dramatically) Let my people go!
Pharaoh: (laughing) Or what?
Aaron: (smirking, dropping a staff that becomes a snake) *Or that. *
Pharaoh: (clutching pearls) *Oh Ra! *


Scene 5: The Plagues – Because Subtlety is Overrated(A series of over-the-top plagues start: frogs, locusts, and a lot of dramatic lighting.)
Pharaoh: (dodging frogs) Okay, okay! Fine, you can go!
Narrator: *Spoiler alert: Pharaoh changes his mind eleven times because he has commitment issues. *


Moral of the Story:
🌈 Identity crises happen—even to royalty. Finding out who you are might involve a talking bush.
🔥 If a bush starts talking to you, maybe listen. The queer wisdom is real.
👑 Sometimes, it takes a dramatic exit to find your purpose. Also, pack good sandals.
🎭 Being extra can save a nation. Just ask Moses.

Narrator: And that’s Shemot—a parasha about finding yourself, speaking up, and why you should never underestimate a guy with a staff and fabulous robes. See you next week for more Torah drama! 💡🌈👗✨

Next week: Va’eira, where Va’eira says, “You want plagues? I’ve got plagues,” and Moses and Aaron start their dramatic confrontation tour across Egypt. 🐸🎤⚡


]]>Tue, 30 Dec 2025 08:00:00 GMThttps://www.martinrawlings-fein.com/midrash-that-slays/vayechi-blessings-drama-and-a-grand-exit“Vayechi: Blessings, Drama, and a Grand Exit"

Characters:
📖 Narrator – The storyteller who’s here for the drama, the humor, and the blessings.
👴 Jacob (Ya’akov/Israel) – The grandparent who has one last round of wisdom and shade to throw before heading off to the next world.
🌈 Joseph (Yosef) – The glowed-up sibling who runs Egypt but still just wants parental validation.
👶 Ephraim & Manasseh – Joseph’s adorable yet slightly confused kids who are about to get an unconventional blessing.
🎭 Judah (Yehudah) – The sibling who used to be messy but is now kinda the responsible one.
😩 Reuben (Re’uven) – The eldest sibling who never quite got the inheritance he expected.
🔥 Levi – The intense brother who is always ready for a fight.
😏 Simeon (Shimon) – The pettiest of the brothers.
💨 Naphtali (Naftali) – The fast-talking one who always has a hot take.
🤨 Zebulun (Zevulun) – The quiet one who knows way too much but never spills the tea.
🖤 Dan – The brooding, skeptical brother who always assumes the worst.
😊 Asher – The chill brother who just wants vibes to be good.
😐 Gad – The practical one who just nods through all the chaos.
👑 Pharaoh – The very dramatic ruler who is a little too invested in Joseph’s life.

Scene 1: Jacob’s Last Big Moment(Jacob is lying in bed, dramatically draped in blankets, surrounded by his many children and grandchildren.)
Narrator: Welcome to Vayechi, where Jacob is on his way out, but not before delivering some iconic blessings (and a little shade).
(Joseph enters grandly with his two sons, Ephraim and Manasseh, who look nervous.)
Joseph: (kneeling by the bed) Abba, I brought my children! Bless them before you… uh… you know.
Jacob: (squinting at the boys) Wait. Which one is the eldest?
Joseph: (pointing) Manasseh! The responsible one!
Jacob: (dramatically switching hands and placing the right hand on Ephraim instead)
Joseph: Uh, Abba? You got it backwards.
Jacob: (grinning) Nope! Doing this on purpose.
Narrator: *And just like that, Jacob switches things up—because apparently, tradition is just a suggestion. *
Joseph: (whispering to himself) First my coat, now my kids… why does my life never go as expected?
Ephraim: (whispering) Did I just… win something?
Manasseh: (whispering back) I think you stole my blessing.
(Joseph facepalms, while Jacob chuckles to himself.)


Scene 2: The Roast of the Twelve Sons(The other brothers gather around, expecting normal blessings. Instead, they get something else.)
Narrator: Jacob, in his final moments, decides to rate and review all his sons one last time.
Reuben: (stepping forward, hopeful) I am the firstborn! Surely, I get the best blessing!
Jacob: (sighs) Reuben, my son, you had potential… but you’re about as stable as a tent in a windstorm. You don’t get the birthright.
Reuben: (muttering) Great. Just love being publicly called out on my poor life choices.
(Judah, sensing an opportunity, steps forward.)
Jacob: (grinning) Ahh, Judah. You were a mess for a while, but you stepped up! You’re getting leadership and responsibility.
Judah: (flicking hair) We love a redemption arc.
Narrator: Meanwhile, Simeon and Levi are standing in the back, waiting for their turn.
Jacob: (raising an eyebrow at them) You two? Too violent. No land for you. Separate and think about your life choices.
Levi: (offended) *What?! We were protecting family honor! *
Jacob: (waving them off) Whatever helps you sleep at night.
(The other brothers start shifting nervously, realizing that Jacob’s "blessings" are kind of just a roast session.)
Zebulun: Oh no. I don’t think this is going to be good for us.
Dan: (muttering) I knew this day would come.
(Jacob proceeds to give each son their own special commentary, balancing praise, life advice, and some serious burns. )



Scene 3: The Grand ExitNarrator: *With all the blessings (and critiques) complete, Jacob prepares for his final dramatic moment. *
Jacob: (raising a finger, dramatically) When I die, bury me in Canaan with my ancestors!
Joseph: (sighs) Of course, Abba. We will make sure you’re buried properly.
Jacob: (suddenly very tired) Good. Now… (long pause, breathes dramatically, and… falls still.)
Brothers: (gasp in unison) HE’S GONE!
(Everyone bows their heads, silent for a moment… until suddenly, Jacob opens one eye.)
Jacob: (hoarsely) Don’t forget to pack snacks for the journey.
(Then he actually passes away.)
Narrator: *And thus ends the iconic saga of Jacob—father, storyteller, and shade-throwing legend. *


Scene 4: Pharaoh’s Over-the-Top Funeral Sponsorship(Joseph weeps dramatically, then marches to Pharaoh to request a full funeral procession.)
Pharaoh: (sniffles) Of course, my dear Joseph! Take ALL the chariots, ALL the musicians, and the best funeral budget Egypt has to offer!
Narrator: *And that’s how Jacob got one of the biggest funerals in history—sponsored by Pharaoh’s royal drama fund. *
(The funeral procession rolls out, complete with flute players, wailing mourners, and an unnecessary number of golden chariots.)

Moral of the Story:
🌟 Blessings don’t always go the way you expect—sometimes, you gotta roll with it.
🎭 Dramatic exits run in the family—Jacob really went out with style.
👑 Queer joy means breaking traditions, even when it comes to blessings.
😏 If your dad has one last chance to roast you, he will take it.
🍲 Always plan your road trips—Jacob literally made sure there were snacks.

Narrator: And that’s Vayechi, folks! A parasha full of legacy, drama, and one seriously over-the-top funeral. See you next week for more Torah chaos! 💡🌈👗✨

Next up: Shemot, where Bereshit ends and Shemot begins—with burning bushes, identity questions, and Moses becoming the most reluctant prophet ever. 🔥👣👑


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