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"Vayetzei: The Dream, The Drama, and Too Many Weddings"
A Slightly Queer, Very Funny Retelling for B'Mitzvah Students & Older Characters: 📖 Narrator – The storyteller who’s seen it all and is here for the drama. 🧥 Yaakov – Our soft-spoken, dramatic main character who just wanted a fresh start and maybe some love. 💫 Angelic Voice – The mysterious voice that gives cryptic life advice. 🎭 Lavan – The ultimate schemer, always ready to bargain or cause chaos. 💃 Leah – The smart, observant older sister who deserved better communication. 🌟 Rachel – The younger sister, beautiful and clever, knows what she wants. 🏳️🌈 Zilpah & Bilhah – The unsung heroes who keep this entire family from completely falling apart. 🐏 Random Sheep – Because this parsha has so many sheep. Scene 1: Yaakov Runs Away and Falls Into a Queer Fever DreamNarrator: Welcome to Vayetzei, where dreams get weird, weddings get weirder, and nobody asks the brides what they actually want. (Yaakov, exhausted from running away from Esav, collapses on a rock dramatically.) Yaakov: Ugh. Long day. Running from my murderous brother? Check. Nowhere to sleep? Check. Using a rock as a pillow? Living the dream. (Cue dramatic dream sequence—a rainbow staircase appears with angels dramatically voguing up and down it.) Angelic Voice: Yaakov, Yaakov… You are destined for greatness! Yaakov: (groggily) Okay… cool, cool. Do I get, like, a map or step-by-step instructions? Angelic Voice: Nope! Just… vibes. Now go to Lavan’s house. It’ll be… an experience. (The angels twirl away into the sky. Yaakov wakes up with zero answers.) Yaakov: (sitting up) Well. That was not helpful. Scene 2: Love at First Watering Hole(Yaakov arrives at a well and spots Rachel. Cue slow-motion scene complete with dramatic background music.) Narrator: And this is where Yaakov falls head-over-heels for Rachel. Because nothing says romance like a shared love of livestock. Yaakov: (puffing out his chest) Oh hey, Rachel. Need help with that big ol’ heavy well stone? Rachel: (raising an eyebrow) Sure. Impress me. (Yaakov, fueled by bi panic and sheer determination, single-handedly lifts the giant stone like it’s nothing.) Yaakov: (sweating) That… was easy. Rachel: (grinning) Cute. Let’s see how long you last in my family. Scene 3: Lavan, the Ultimate Chaos Merchant(Yaakov arrives at Lavan’s house, expecting a warm welcome. Instead, he gets bargaining tactics.) Lavan: Ah, Yaakov! Welcome! Let’s talk wages. Yaakov: I don’t need wages—I just want to marry Rachel. Lavan: Seven years of work in exchange for my daughter! Sound fair? Yaakov: (blinded by love) Seven years? No problem! (Cue montage of Yaakov happily herding sheep, singing love songs, and getting fashion advice from Zilpah & Bilhah.) Scene 4: The Wedding... Surprise!(Seven years later. The tent is decorated, Rachel is nowhere to be found, and Leah is looking very awkward.) Narrator: Ah yes, the classic switcheroo. Where instead of marrying Rachel, Yaakov accidentally marries Leah. Yaakov: (lifting Leah’s veil after the ceremony) …WAIT. YOU’RE NOT RACHEL. Leah: (sighing) Yeah. I know. Yaakov: (shouting) LAVAN! Lavan: (popping in, smugly) Oh, oops. Didn’t I mention? We don’t marry off the younger before the older. But listen, you can still have Rachel! Just work another seven years! Yaakov: …Seriously?! Rachel: (rolling her eyes) I knew this was gonna happen. Zilpah & Bilhah: (whispering to Leah) Honestly, girl, we’ve seen worse. Scene 5: The Moral of the Story(Fast forward: Yaakov now has two wives, two concubines, many sheep, and zero chill.) Narrator: And that, friends, is how Yaakov accidentally got four partners, a chaotic father-in-law, and a very complicated love life. Yaakov: (sighing, surrounded by sheep) This was not the plan. Leah: (side-eyeing him) Tell me about it. Rachel: (handing Yaakov a sheep) Just start naming the kids and go with it. Zilpah & Bilhah: (sipping tea) We told you this would happen. Narrator: And thus, the House of Yaakov was built—not through one perfect marriage, but through a lot of compromise, communication, and a truly wild family dynamic. Moral of the Story: 🐏 Love doesn’t always go according to plan. Whether it’s love at first sight or “surprise, you married someone else,” you gotta roll with it. 🏳️🌈 Queer relationships = complicated families. Multiple partners, complex family structures, lots of co-parenting? Yaakov basically invented the alternative family model. 😂 Always check who you’re marrying before the ceremony. Seems obvious, yet here we are. 🛏️ Rest is important. Yaakov worked 14 years just for a love story. Let’s normalize work-life balance. Narrator: And that’s Vayetzei! A story of love, labor, and way too many weddings. 🎭🐑💍✨ Next week: Vayeshev, where Vayishlach glows with sibling reunions and Vayeshev dives into technicolor fashion, dream drama, and a pit full of family issues. 🎽🌈🕳️
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"Toldot - Blessing Realness: A Drag King in Canaan"
A Slightly Queer, Very Funny Retelling for B'Mitzvah Students & Older Characters: 📖 Narrator – The dramatic, tea-spilling storyteller. 🧥 Jacob – Clever, dramatic, and about to become the first biblical drag king. 👩🦰 Rebekah – Mastermind mother, fashion consultant, and talent scout. 🧓 Isaac – Very old, nearly blind, and slightly confused. 🎭 Esau – The burly, hairy, and very loud original himbo. Scene 1: Rebekah’s Dressing Room (a.k.a. the Tent of Transformation)Narrator: Welcome to Toldot, where a mother plots, a twin schemes, and biblical history is forever changed by a fabulous disguise. (Lights up. Rebekah is rummaging through a giant trunk of clothes, tossing out furs, belts, and boots. Jacob watches in horror.) Jacob: (holding up Esau’s giant, hairy tunic) Uhhh, Ima? This smells like a goat and last week’s workout. Rebekah: (throwing a fur at him) Perfect! That’s exactly what we need! Jacob: *No, no, no. I am a delicate flower. A fashion-forward intellectual. This? This is a crime against style. Rebekah: (rolling her eyes) Sweetie, we don’t have time for this. Your father’s about to hand out the blessing, and if we don’t act now, Esau gets everything—power, prestige, the family name, and probably the last good tent in the camp! Jacob: And I care about this… why? Rebekah: Because you’d actually use the blessing! Esau? He’s probably out wrestling a tree somewhere. Jacob: (sighs dramatically) *Fine. But if I’m going to do drag, we’re doing it right. * Scene 2: Drag Boot Camp—Biblical EditionNarrator: (Cue makeover montage music. Rebekah forces a reluctant Jacob into Esau’s oversized tunic. She ties on a belt, wraps his arms in faux fur, and smears dirt on his face.) Jacob: This is so itchy. Do I have to be hairy? Rebekah: Yes. Isaac can barely see, but he can feel! Now, let me check your voice. Say, “I am Esau, my father’s favorite and a mighty hunter.” Jacob: (deep, dramatic voice) I AM ESAU, THE MIGHTY… hunter? (clears throat) *Oh no. That was terrible. I sound like a lost sheep. * Rebekah: (facepalms) *Sweetie, just keep it short. Now, go! Sell it! Give them Esau Realness! * (Jacob strikes a dramatic pose and sashays toward Isaac’s tent.) Scene 3: The Blessing BallNarrator: (Inside the tent. Isaac, very old and wrapped in blankets, is waiting for Esau. Jacob stumbles in, overly dramatic, posing like a nervous performer. ) Jacob: (deep voice) Greetings, Father! It is I, your son Esau. (whispering) Nailed it. Isaac: (squinting) You… sound a little off. Jacob: (clears throat) Uh, I have a cold! Too much… hunting! In the wild! Roar! Isaac: (reaching out, feeling Jacob’s arms) *Hmm. You feel like Esau. So… furry. Like a very enthusiastic bear. * Jacob: (fake laugh) Oh yeah, that’s me! Bear energy! Ha ha… rawr. Isaac: (sniffing) *But… you smell like Esau too. Goats and sweat. * Jacob: (whispering) *Ima really thought of everything. * Isaac: (shrugging) Well, okay. If you say you’re Esau… then let’s do this. (raises hands dramatically) *You, my son, shall be blessed with power, land, and all the good snacks in the land! May you rule over your brother, and may he serve you forever! * Jacob: (grinning) *Oh, this is gonna be good. * (Suddenly, Esau enters, holding a giant roast, looking very confused.) Esau: Hey, Abba! I brought you fresh game, and—WAIT. WHY IS HE HERE?! Jacob: (freezes like a deer in torchlight) *Uhhhh… surprise? * Isaac: (realizing slowly) …Wait a minute. Then who did I just bless?! Rebekah: (popping her head in) *No take-backs! Byeeeeee! * Narrator: (Cue dramatic slow-motion chase as Esau lunges for Jacob, but Jacob dashes out in full drag, cape flowing behind him. ) Moral of the Story:💃 If your mom is scheming, just go with it. She probably already knows the prophecy. 🎭 Drag has always been biblical. Jacob invented the first drag king transformation. 😂 If you’re going to steal a blessing, commit to the look. You never know who might feel your arms. 📜 Always read the fine print before promising power and land. Isaac might have wanted a lawyer. Narrator: And that’s Toldot! A parasha about family, fashion, and why sometimes, the best blessings require a little deception… and a lot of fur. 💃✨🐐 Next week: Vayishlach, where Vayetzei ends with wedding whiplash and Vayishlach begins with Jacob wrestling... himself? An angel? Gender? All of the above. 🤼♂️🌈🕊️ |
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Martin Rawlings-Fein (Delegate from AD 19) is a Jewish, Bi+, Trans, Father of Two, SF*EB BiCon Co-Founder, DEI Co-Chair, EdTech Specialist, Rabbinic Student, & Writer of Queer Liturgy. Archives
November 2025
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